Show Not Tell Crusader Challenge: In 300 words or less, write a passage (it can be an excerpt from your WIP, flash fiction, a poem, or any other writing) that shows (rather than tells) the following:
- you're scared and hungry
- it's dusk
- you think someone is following you
- and just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses AND include these random words: shimmer, saccadic, substance, and salt.
Here we go...
As I swallow the clear, sweet water, I see it, reflected in the shimmering surface of the lake: blond hair. I strain to see more, but everything below the man's neck disappears into the tangle of plants behind him. He glances up.
Electricity charges through me and I back out of view, keeping an eye on him through the leaves. He appears to be talking to someone.
I have to get out of here. I don't know who he is, but he knows where I am. Moving as quickly as possible, I head for the far end of the lake.
Staying on animal trails, I move easily though the vegetation. I can make it, I just need time.
A shout makes me jump. How could he go so far so fast?
Ducking, I dart into shrubs that have more substance. The pungent scent of damp earth fills my nose as I work my way through the undergrowth, stepping as lightly as I can.
Branches crash and I freeze.
Just uphill lies a fallen tree, the trunk flanked by saplings and ferns. Their leaves might cover me if I stay low.
“There!”
My eyes go saccadic at the shout. I have to hide. Now.
Heart thumping, I step over the plants, careful not to break any twigs. I lie down, pulling clammy, rotting leaves over me. The forest is getting darker, as the sun sets on the valley. Please, please let me look like a shadow.
Not a minute later, twigs snap as one of the men creeps near. I breathe through my mouth, trying to keep quiet. A rivulet of sweat runs over my lip, dripping saltily on my tongue. He comes into view, still, listening.
My stomach grumbles and his head whips around.
* * *
There you have it, 294 words; a modified bit of my current WIP, as it turns out. After all, saccadic isn't a good word to use for middle grade. :)
Now, go check out the other entries!
Darn that grumbling stomach! I don't envy your protagonist having to hide beneath clammy, rotting leaves... ew!
ReplyDeleteIf this is from your WiP, it sure sounds intriguing! Very intense.
ReplyDeleteThis is wonderful. Despite the fact that I really need to get off the computer and clean up the kitchen, I read your passage, entranced by it and wondering what would happen. Such building of tension! Nice nice! And I never heard the word saccadic before.
ReplyDeletethat word saccadic was a tricky one. i'm not sure i used it right! i hope she looked like a shadow! christy
ReplyDeleteGreat entry! As I was reading, I was certain the protagonist would turn out to be an animal. I was wrong...right?
ReplyDeleteRachel: That's what I thought, too. Glad it wasn't me. :)
ReplyDeleteJ.C.: Thanks!
Jeane: Thank you! I hadn't either; I had to look it up.
Christy: I'm not sure I used it right, either, but it's in there. :)
Nicole: Thanks! The protagonist is human.
Wow - great last line. I want to know what happens next!
ReplyDeleteI love that you used part of your WIP. You have great tension with the snapping twigs and trying to find a better hiding place :) And I love that the hunger factor is what finally gave the MC away.
ReplyDeleteOh no! Is she going to get caught? Yikes! :O)
ReplyDeleteOuch! That's not good. You did a great job showing. Love this. BTW saccadic is just hard to use. We all seem to be accomplish the task though. ; )
ReplyDeletevery good! Always wonder if others can hear the low rumble of the hungry tummy :)
ReplyDeleteOoh, great showing, I could picture this all clearly! "Please, please let me look like a shadow." - Love it :)
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Rach
Sounds like a GREAT ms good modifications for the challange ;) Nice job!!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it fantastic, how different everyone is dealing with the same specifications?!?! Damn stomach! *sigh* Great post ... what's your current WIP all about?
ReplyDeleteKarin @ Nofretiris Dream Of Writing
Thanks everyone. Saccadic is hard to use (darn you Rachael!!). ;)
ReplyDeleteThat is definitely intense! And I like how the growling of her stomach alerted her stalker - freeeaky! ;-)
ReplyDeleteWell done. (If it had been me, i wouldn't have been given away by my stomach...but by the crinkle of a TastyKake wrapper:) You trimmed it to under 300 very nicely, it still flows.
ReplyDeleteReally good. I like how you used the hunger at the end and left us hanging.
ReplyDeleteSo eerie, especially with that misleading tranquil photo. I'd like to know what happens next!
ReplyDelete